something is changing in me. a new self is emerging.

im currently on tour in japan and there’s this feeling as though everything is as it ought to be. i feel so connected to this place and have been really absorbing the places i’ve been so far. i haven’t felt too overwhelmed by it all, or by the nerves of playing the shows. i think it could be a bit of a nervous system reset? i feel calm.

the best part of the trip so far has been the festival. usually im so overwhelmed by festivals because of the nerves and the rowdiness and general drunk/high energy. people were definitely partying at rainbow disco club but it had a very different vibe. similar to tokyo - there were a lot of people and technically it should be really overstimulating. but for some reason there was (a very welcome) calmness to it.

i wish the organisers of rainbow disco club could bring the festival to the uk. but i’m not sure if it would work there - the culture in japan is so different which is probably why it works so well here.

people here are so respectful. there was no litter in sight despite there only being a few bins. we left our pram on its own, full of our belongings while we got lunch and i had no doubt it would be there when we got back. there was also very focussed dancing and partying from people of all ages and demographics - all in harmony with one another. it was honestly one of the coolest things i’ve ever experienced. obviously helped by the fact that aesthetically it was all on point.

i have had to pinch myself a few times while being here. there’s been some moments where i audibly say “omg i can’t believe this is our life”. crazy.

this trip has been one of the most precious times in my life, but it has come at a time in my ‘cycle’ when life feels most difficult. although i think because my nervous system has been reset here, and my stress levels have dropped, i have been able to manage my pmdd symptoms pretty well.

yesterday however, was tough. and it reminded me that im not cured. for those of you who experience pmdd or are close to someone who has it, you will know that there are moments where you get carried away with life and forget that you have this beast inside you. then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, it unleashes. and your whole world shatters. you feel like you’re at square one.

i’m getting better at separating me from the pmdd when im experiencing it. it’s important because in those moments i feel so sure that its just me and they are genuine thoughts im having. and i guess in some ways they are? but i like to think that my true self isn’t this riddled with anger.

the anger is becoming manageable, and tom is so good at being a supportive pmdd partner. he knows how to show love, deep care and compassion in the moments before the emotions overwhelm me. it’s like he knows exactly when to “show up” with unconditional affection. this is the antidote to my pmdd. but i’m learning it’s not his responsibility. i really believe that pmdd is our inner child screaming for help.

unfortunately the reason yesterday was so hard was because tom forgot to pack some nicotine vapes (they’re illegal here), so he’s just been raw dogging nicotine withdrawal. i feel so bad for him. it must be ridiculously hard. lucky for me, when i quit cigarettes 2 years ago, i read the alan carr book that everyone talks about - so quitting was easy. i can’t imagine doing it without that extra help.

tom was struggling, i was struggling. and i think because we were both struggling, poor genie (our daughter) struggled too.

in those moments it can feel like youre completely crushed and can’t build yourself up again. i became so overwhelmed with emotion - grief, anger and sadness. the moments were brief but so, so intense.

thankfully we got through the day, just like we have in the past. and i now know that i need to put more work into this. i’ve done a lot of growing and trauma healing in my time, but this is something that really needs my immediate attention.

i have access to the rapid transformational therapy course by the red tent centre and i will be devoting some time today to learning and healing. i really think when you have these realisations, you need to carve out time to heal and focus. i am so lucky to have had the means to buy access to the online rtt course. every show i play, every song and substack i write - these all give me resources and the means to create time and space to healing my inner child.

as a way of processing, i am grateful for my big emotions. they give me access to a part of myself which is deeply feeling and highly sensitive. i think these qualities really help me with thinking creatively and with finding inspiration for making music and forming new thoughts and reflections.

for so long i was a victim of my pmdd without even knowing it. life felt extra hard for me. but now, with this insight and access to time and resources, i can heal.

i really feel like life is a series of breaking and rebuilding. we’re constantly reemerging as our new selves. this idea grounds me in hope. if we know we’re never stuck in one version of ourselves, then there’s always going to be an element of hope buried inside us that we can access during times of discomfort or grief.